Been a little while since I have blogged and I need to get some
things off my chest! Recently my girlfriend/friend Melissa and I
have been having some issues with our relationship. Some of our
problems stem from her depression and unwillingness to take control of
it through meds and other resources. Other problems are caused by
my impatience and frustration that cause me to get angry when Melissa
does something that hurts herself. It is hard for me to talk to
her on the phone when she is so negative and throws insults at
herself. She talks about not believing in Positive affirmation
but it is obvious that her negative affirmations seem to work for her.
Currently Melissa is doing partial hospitilization for the next
three days for her depression. Her stress from being behind
in classes and our relationship problems, amoung other things, has put
her into a semi-suicidal mood. Sunday evening she called at
10:30pm her time after just getting out of bed. She was extremely
scared because she had lost the whole day and wanted to talk to
me. It seems like many times in our relationship when Melissa
gets scared she calls me in order to feel better. This has been
another big issue in our relationship because I feel like Melissa is
way to dependent on me. I tried to cheer her up by telling her to
turn on the tv or radio, and asked her to find someone in her dorm to
talk to and then when I wanted to get off the phone she wouldn't let
me. She didn't want me to leave and when I finally took a stand
she got upset and told me that I hated her and was better off without
her. The next day she had a poem on her website which was very
disturbing. This poem is below.
My back is bowed.
Am I resigned to some sort of morbid fate? I don't know yet.
What I know is this:
It is sunny today and will reach 60 degrees, but every moment I'm on the verge of tears.
I have no classes for the next 48 hours, yet somehow time has lost its meaning.
There's nothing that can make me feel better now- no sweets, no
movie, no book, and nary a friend can make me form a genuine smile.
Where is my happiness? It's all lost now.
Where has life's meaning for me gone? There's no finding it.
I only exist, apparently, to make other people angry: my boyfriend,
my parents, my campus pastor. I make them all angry because evidently
my lack of progress is due to my stubbornness. Stupid, stupid Melissa.
Get a hold of yourself and start remembering to please people who want
your compliance.
I walk to the kitchen: everyone's mad because I'm late to take my
pills. I walk to the library to write this: everyone's mad because I
should be catching up on schoolwork. I walk to the chapel: God wonders
why I don't think about him anymore. (I don't know, I don't
know, I wish I knew!) Do I work up my courage for the knife, the flux
of pills, a plastic bag? Could I ever justify the thrill of pain for
ending all this? I cause too much disappointment. My life not only
hurts me now but everyone I touch. I am naught but a
money/time/effort/anger/disappointment burden. | 
Things have been pretty busy at Church with sermon writing, getting a
Health Ministry task force together, and with meeting after meeting
after meeting! I find it rather interesting that on the days when
I am productive and get loads of stuff done I end up feeling rather
good about myself and on the days when I relax and get almost nothing
done I feel sad or depressed. Maybe I feel bad because I am not
getting work done and I need to feel like I am doing something
worthwhile with my life.
